My Great Realisation
photographer George Maschalidis for boredpanda
I’m not a medical expert, I’m not a psychologist, I’m not an economist - I’m not going to talk about all that shit relating to COVID.
I’m just me. A designer busting her ass to keep my employee on payroll, the lights on, my man in love, my brain sane and my clients happy. Here’s what has been happening since quarantine began and how I’m growing from all of this.
DAY 59
I’m struggling to take my mind back to how it was back in the beginning of all of this, because its been a whirlwind. Thankfully, we’ve been working on more renovations and new construction jobs lately so when the closures and quarantine began, we were still working on “essential” jobs….it was just that WE, as the designers, were now required to work from home. I quickly learned that the phrase, as cruel as it may sound, “adapt or die” was the name of the game for us. I signed up for literally every webinar through ASID or Gusto (my online payroll provider) relating to COVID-19 and how this would effect my company as a small business owner with one employee. I realized so many things were lacking in my company - like shit, I don’t have an official sick policy. I had to digest everything out there and determine how we’d get through this - or at least try to figure that out. What happens if I get sick? What happens if Heather gets sick? Policies were setup, including an emergency sick leave with PTO for COVID, researched furloughing and those consequences/routes and then we had the news about the SBA and their “grants”.
Only watching the news headlines to hear the latest on what was going to pass or not, I signed up for those I was eligible for and thankfully was approved (albeit on my second attempt going off of 2018 records/payroll). Yes, Dan, I’m going to work on my taxes…next week.
My new business goal now: keep myself and my other designer healthy - this grant money guarantees her job and mine are still safe and I can make this work - what a blessing. Phew!
Moving remotely was not a huge change for me, we already work from my home office - the two of us. It’s a very big change, though, to have Heather working at home. I can’t lean over her shoulder and point to that update I’m trying to explain on her giant CAD monitor (which is having a sleepover at her place now). Redlines can’t be left in a stack for their arrival, when you pop out to showrooms - scanning and uploading and emailing to get scaled drawings back and sketches is necessary. You couldn’t even “pop” out to the showrooms last minute anymore - it was all online only. Then came the biggest lesson we learned (I’m sure I’m not alone here when it hit you too <light bulb!>)
EVERYTHING TAKES TWO OR THREE TIMES AS LONG TO GET ANYTHING DONE (SINCE COVID)
Groceries: don’t get me started on this (now)…I’m so over it! I’ve got a system down that includes lots of beach towels, staging and removing shoes, sanitizing each item between floor unload and to towel-covered counter, washing produce, removing from store packages for recycling then resealing in my reusables, our bar area (back around a corner off our family room) is now the 2-4 day “wait zone” for those pantry and non-perishables that I’m just willing to wait for.
Sampling: I honestly cannot complain here because I was already a really good online memo requester for my trade only showrooms and vendors, however I do miss taking those bundles of fabrics to the showroom, fanning them out on a table and looking for those one or two missing “holes” in the space or scheme. Its crazy to even think about that now - because my mind goes to “well, how would I sterilize that table?” or “who’s pulled on those wing handles"?” However, if you are someone like me….you may be guilty of procrastinating on some of these things. Well, thanks to COVID, I’ve learned to request stuff the very day that I know I need it and really consider anything else at that time to add to it (other projects or future needs for my library) because I don’t want to contribute to senselessly shipping multiple rounds of materials/memos. Even those that usually are lightning fast at responding may be delayed and that’s ok - you just need to be patient as this is the new norm. Everyone is adapting.
photo is my own
Clients: they have way more time than ever and are literally stuck in that home that you are helping them on. Again, I’m grateful to have mostly renovations right now (and thankfully no one is living there during it either) but I feel your pain y’all. Everyone thinks all designers must have the most amazing homes but like the old adage: the cobbler with no shoes, lately I’ve been so burnt out with projects, I’ve let my own projects go to the wayside. I had grand dreams of starting this custom jungle bathroom mural (if you’ve heard this before and are rolling your eyes - lay off, it will happen….one day) and nope - just supplies sitting in the empty cabinet of the vanity. For the second time now, I’ve had the pleasure of a repeat client reaching out for (guess what?) help with a home office. We worked out the design, layout, budget and selections and purchased everything last week and should be installing (all gloved and masked up - skeleton crew) in coming weeks. So grateful for our clients!!! :) Which leads me to my next topic:
Warehousing/Receiving: What would we do without y’all for our FFE jobs?! Again, I’m fortunate that we weren’t in the middle of a huge FFE project because when our beloved warehouses shut their doors due to COVID safety measures and quarantine, I can only imagine the nightmare of tracking, rerouting and scrambling other firms and designers had to deal with. My heart goes out to y’all seriously - that was a halting stop for us all but that must’ve been a nightmare.
Other things I’ve learned during this quarantine
Empathy emails suck: at first they were a calming note to find in your inbox. “We’re here for you” was really needed in the beginning, but by week 2 it felt like every major company’s attorney was breathing down their neck and way too late, they sent the “oh shit, yeah we’re here for you too”. I was already over it by then and just got good at erasing or spamming.
It’s okay to ask for help: I struggled in the past with depression and I got help for it However, it was heartbreaking to hear the news that a friend of ours had committed suicide just weeks ago during this quarantine. She was alone, depressed, no longer living in her social party lifestyle, struggling with addiction and, after returning from the hospital from complications due to her addiction, she chose to take her own life. I spoke with close friends of hers whom I’d met through events and birthdays. Some of them had missed phone calls weeks before and no message left. Some of them hadn’t heard from her, like myself, in over 2 years. Either way - she didn’t ask for help. We all feel guilty, like we could’ve done something more - to help her. RIP Ashley :(
Patience is key: patience has never been my strong suit. But I’m working on it.
Listen more than you speak: again, not my strong suit. But I’m working on it. I did have the longest phone call since I was in middle school when I got my own personal home phone line - over five hours. Reconnected with an acquaintance from the past and realized we have A LOT more in common than we don’t. I’m eager to social distant hang together in a backyard in the coming weeks.
Dogs are our family: I won’t spend long on this because it’s still quite fresh but I lost my dog Rhiley a week ago today and I had no idea the emotion that would pour out of me. She was a blonde Pomeranian rescue I found in Colorado years ago probably about 13, now fully blind, on tons of meds for her heart and lung conditions. I went in to make my morning coffee and let the dogs out, she was just laying there gasping. I ran to grab a towel, put her on it and kneeling down to her just soothed her and gently rubbed her little head. She let out a yelp and started to struggle like she was choking or drowning. I shouted to Alan with a heart-wrenching voice “I think its time!” and then, in an instant, she stretched and was just…gone. I’m so grateful to the team at MedVet Dallas for their patience when I got lost driving to their new location. They stayed on the phone, talking me through, while brain dead with grief, I had to deliver my sweet pup to get privately cremated. Practicing safe measures, they had a new system but all went smooth - as smooth as it could. I’m picking up her ashes tonight and will bring her home.
my little Rhiley Poo - boo boo as we called her
Meditation is awesome: Alan treated himself to a Peloton bike for his birthday and put me on the class pass so I’m taking the classes (I’m no biker) and working on my yoga practice again, cardio, power walking (yes, it’s a thing…yes, you look ridiculous walking that way but damn, it’s a good workout) but mostly meditation. I got into it back in college when I couldn’t shut my brain off at the end of the day, read books about it, tried to learn how to but had zero patience for it. Well now, with a guided guru talking you through in a soft and soothing voice, I can calm the fuck down, sleep deeper and work on my empathy for others and situations I’m dealing with. I’ve done 22 workouts since joining the app less than a month ago and 12 of those are meditation sessions.
I fucking love meditating
….which leads me to (you must listen to this…a real gem)
FUCK: yes, I use that word. No, Southern belles aren’t fainting, I don’t yell at my contractors using it, I don’t swear at my clients and I do my very best not to swear around children, I promise. Just sometimes there isn’t any other word to express how you feel. I’ve realized I use it a lot more now too. Maybe I’m feeling a little more sick of it all, or I’m finally crawling inside with angst as I’m craving social situations…maybe something else. Who the fuck knows but if my using this fucking beautiful word makes you angry, that you now want to unfollow me, not read on any further or chastise me - then I’m just not your cup of tea, honey. Peace be with you.
which leads me to my even bigger revelation
I’m finding my true self: yes, I’m feeling like I can and want to be myself. My authentic, true self. I’m putting it out there on social media, opening up to my trades and contractors and learning from others who choose to take their time to share anything with…I’m soaking it all up like a dry sponge and thirsty for more. I’m me: quirky phrases and all, clumsiness and casual ripped jeans, flip flops on a jobsite and pony tails with ball caps for days. I’ve found this confidence inside of me in the past week to just be me. I’m saying no to projects, I’m sharing sources and connecting people to one another…I’m trying to pay it forward, as a wise man told me.
which leads me to my biggest revelation
What the fuck are we doing?
I’ve been thinking a lot - just thinking about how and why I feel this/that way - thinking why I’m angry and giving that person the power to ruin my day - thinking about what my actions do to others…to the world…even the smallest ones (or so we think these are small).
These are the big questions a lot of brave thinkers are asking themselves right now. How are my actions effecting everyone & everything else? I'm throwing out the rule book and looking beyond what just our company and our customers need, by looking beyond .
How efficient is it to order that thing from Prime when you could drive 5 minutes to your local family-owned hardware store and support a small business?
Where and how is that fast furniture piece really made and how long will it really last? Why does it cost so much less but look just like another....are you missing something?
What will this paint do to the indoor air quality (IAQ) of my expecting client?
Now's the time, I’m asking myself the tough questions and working through the answers. The ways I can help to make an impact with my company - to my clients, my state, my country, my world by supporting local businesses, sourcing ethically, enacting greener practices and using more Eco-minded materials. Donating salvageable items from job-sites versus ordering a bigger dumpster. Taking the time to do these things right. I have no ill will against others out there who don’t adapt like this, I just hope to make others think too.
Even the smallest changes in your daily life help make a difference - they do add up and matter.
I plan to do the same with my company.
Last week my brain was racing with possibilities.
Sunday night the light bulb went off.
Monday morning this came up on my feed.
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Cheers,
KN